Conversation for family, caregivers, close friends:

​

•  Vigil wishes - what will calm the person when he/she is no longer conscious:

  •   music; smells; comforting items near him/her; blanket; things that he/she likes (touch, soft massage of hands or feet or face).

  •   what he/she wants to hear from visitors : memories; stories; poetry; prayers or scripture; what people are grateful for; often no loud crying.

•  Funeral wishes:

  •   minister; songs; readings; rituals; etc.

​

Questions to open deeper conversation for family, caregivers, and close friends:

​

• What to say to him/her, what to ask:

  • what are your fears?

  • what are your regrets?

  • what are your hopes?

  • what do you love about your life?

  • what are you grateful for?

  • I will be here throughout this time with you.

  • You can share anything you need to with me, I am safe.

  • I am here for whatever you need.
     

• What to do for him/her:

  • ask her what he/she needs: he/she will tell you: repositioning; wetting his/her lips with the sponge - put the sponge in the mouth against the inside of the cheek and let him/her suck on it (sucking is one of the last reflexes to disappear); brush his/her hair; hold his/her hands; rub his/her forehead, hands, or feet.

  • control the sound and conversation in the room: - conversations that can bring him/her into it (stories and memories); level of sound (not too quiet, not to loud); only positive talk (he/she can hear everything).

  • this is not the viewing/wake: take overt mourning conversations outside the room; he/she is the focus within the room (group conversations not including the patient such as catching up with each other or other personal conversations that you see at a funeral home should be taken out of the room).

​

What to say and do for visitors:

​

• Follow directions from family and caregivers:

  • time limits; conversation topics; behaviors (no loud crying or actions which will disturb the person who is dying).

  • if you are unsure of anything, ask.

• Follow the lead of the person who is dying:

  • ask the person what they want to talk about; go with conversation the person begins; just sitting in silence is okay; touch their hands if he/she is comfortable with it.

​

What to say and do with the person’s family:

​

•  What to say or do:

  •   never say things platitudes (you'll get thru this or he/she is going to a better place)

  •   say things that honors the family’s experience like (there are no words for this); offer simple condolences; offer help with anything they need; etc.

  •   ask what can help them – meals; cleaning up the house; rides to places; running chores and errands; etc.

  •   for people close to the family - listen, listen, and listen without fixing; touch if accepted; just being or sitting quietly with them; ask them to talk more about their feelings if they share them first (let them take the lead); do not try to fix their feelings (let them feel as bad as they need to).